Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
