Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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