Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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