He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
