I accidentally had phone sex last night
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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