What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
