he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
