she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
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