The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
