i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you will always have a special place in my vag
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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