rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We talked him into tasing himself.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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