I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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