Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
