Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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