remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We got so high we made milksteak
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
