Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
