Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
