I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
