Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
