I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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