I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
