Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
