It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
