You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
