final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
