Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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