ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
