I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You made out with two different species that night
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
