hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
