wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
