Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
