yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Randomize
