I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
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"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.