You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
