wakey wakey hands off snakey
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
