This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
