please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
