i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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