the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
