I should be sponsored by Trojan
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
