The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
