I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
They have beer where we have blood.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
