I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We don't watch enough power rangers
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
