Don't you send me to vm
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
