they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
