its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
