remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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