My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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