Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
