And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
