So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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