just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
