I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
