i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
