I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
