my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Randomize
