I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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