i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
