Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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